I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
pop tarts are not kleenex
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
