So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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