i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
