i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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