FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
