No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
