Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
