I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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