I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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