What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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