I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
