Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
