I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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