I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
God I need to hump something, right now.
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