my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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