What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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