mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
