whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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