I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
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