I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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