I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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