I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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