Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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