dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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