Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
