sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
