we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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