I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
