even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
