I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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