i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
