you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
