Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
