I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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