Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
