the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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