Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
