I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
