he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
