oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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