Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Randomize
