i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
