Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My vagina just recognized that song.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
