jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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