after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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