dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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