He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
