I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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