Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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