You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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