im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
