woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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