winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
