I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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