Pants 0. Shit 1.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
