My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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