if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
