if you like me you must not know who I am
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
