Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
