The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
