My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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