Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
